How to say ‘no’ in a polite way

Some of us have been in situations where we felt like people pleasers. We have at one time or the other obliged to someone’s whim. We have worn ‘aso-ebi’ that we wouldn’t normally be caught in. We want to give of our time, lend MONEY to support a dear one in need, or go out of our way for a friend or loved one.

But in a situation when we know that we don’t have the capacity and capability to help, then what do we do? Saying no to our dear ones could be a painful exercise, but when we can’t help, there is nothing anybody can do about it.

Women most of the time are vulnerable and are labelled as people pleasers even at the detriment of their own comfort. Women in their multi tasking roles as mothers, daughters, students, employees, wives, homemakers, cooks, housekeepers, gardeners, and some times gatekeepers will not see it as a problem when they accommodate ‘one more task.’ And this is where we begin to please, appease and over-accommodate what we cannot do.

There is a need to break off from the feeling that saying no to other people’s request is unkind, uncaring or selfish. It is good to offer a helping hand, but when our hands are full, it is very important to say no in a polite and gracious way.

Whether we are declining an invitation or refusing an additional task at work, or stamping our foot on the ground to reject bullying or other unfair attacks on our well being, we need to master the art of saying no.

Think about a hypothetical situation for a moment. You just got a brand new car that you have always dreamt of having. You like the car very much, and it reflects in the way you take care of the car. Now, one of your friends who is an aggressive driver suddenly asked you to lend him your new car for a day.

Or think about another situation. Someone comes to source for additional funds to pay his child’s fee in a foreign university, and the only available funds with you at that moment belong to another party. Will you feel uncomfortable to say no and give in to the request?

Some people might say ‘yes’ when they really mean ‘no.’ Whatever your decision in this scenario, you must balance your needs with the need of others. In the bid to decline a request, it is very important to hear out the other party. Never be in a haste to decline a request and don’t interrupt the narration of the person seeking for a help. If possible, it is kind to empathise with such a person before saying you cannot help the situation. It is better to say no so that they can seek help elsewhere, than to keep their hopes alive.

For fear of disappointment, confrontation, or hurtful feelings, a lot of times we end up saying ‘yes’ to something that, in all honesty, we really don’t want to do. For instance, refusing to baby-sit for a neighbour can sound rude, lazy and uncaring. Whether we haven’t got the time, are exhausted from work, or don’t feel comfortable doing something, we all need to master simple and effective ways of saying no politely.

Instead of jumping to fill a need, it would be healthier for us to first of all look at our lives objectively, and then make a realistic decision that will leave all parties happy. To overcome the need to please, we should exercise our power of choice. If you choose to meet someone’s needs out of love or compassion, then feelings of anger, frustration or resentment towards the person shouldn’t come into play.

Saying no without feeling guilty can be difficult, especially when it involves people we love and care for. But if saying yes makes us resentful or bitter, we need to learn how to say no without guilt. Instead of taking up every project, every errand, or favour for others, and at the long run, we are unable to satisfy either parties, it is better to state an emphatic no. Also, the person that needs a favour should please respect people’s wishes and opinions if they are unable to help. Don’t be pushy, don’t look at them as wicked and uncaring, and learn not to squeeze pity out of everyone you meet.

The next time that sales person or marketing officer insists on getting your call card or phone number, please learn to say no if you don’t want to give out your details, instead of giving out a false phone number.

We owe it to ourselves to make a conscious decision to say no to people who drain our energy by overloading us with their problems, (but are never ready to offer a helping hand because they feel they are the ones that need help).

Had we the kindest of wills, the fattest of bank accounts, and the most less busy of all schedules, we could never do it all. The ability to say no and with grace is an essential social etiquette that we all need as individuals.

Questions and Answers

Is it wrong or right for an older person to pick an object that drops from the hand of a younger person while they are both in the same place?

It is not wrong for an older person to pick an object that drops from either his hand or the hand of the younger person even if both of them are in the same place, but that will depend on the distance. If the object is closer to the older person, and if the older person is willing to pick it, why not? However, there are some rules of the thumb attached to this kind of scenario. The younger person should make a move to pick the object by himself whether it tends towards him or the older person, and should never expect the older person to pick it for him. In our African culture, respect for the elderly is taken very seriously, and it may be considered rude if the younger person is expecting the adult to pick the object for him. Also, even when you notice that the older person wants to make some efforts to pick it along side with you, you can verbally restrain his action by saying ‘I’ll get it.’

Is it proper for a guy to use handkerchief when sneezing in place of tissue paper? I don’t think it is proper for a guy to move around with a pile of tissue paper in his pocket.  

It is proper for a guy to use either handkerchief or tissue paper when sneezing than to sneeze on bare hands. Although disposable tissue is more ideal as handkerchiefs tend to preserve and prolong germs that are released from the body in the course of sneezing. Truly, a pile of tissue paper will look funny on a man’s pocket, but in such a situation, the use of handkerchief is acceptable, but afterwards, you should limit your exposure to same unwashed handkerchief to reduce the chances of re-infesting yourself with the germs that were expelled from your system.

I have often wondered what to do when I get into an elevator. Do I greet, give a polite nod or keep to myself. Please help address this issue.

An elevator is a public utility that is freely accessible by anyone, although it requires sharing of spaces. The spaces are confined and could be well cramped, but consideration and showing courtesy to people around could make the space sharing much easier. Inasmuch as it is good etiquette to greet people we come across with, it may not work when in an elevator. If the elevator is full, greeting people one by one is not a good thing to do, or shaking hands with people you know. It is in order to greet the people around you with a soft pitch of tone if the elevator is full, but if scanty, you could greet the few people there. Giving a polite nod is the right thing to do when you see someone you know but a bit far off, but after you have come out of the elevator, then you can greet the person properly. It is in order to keep to yourself and not engage in discussions, but you should not keep to yourself when it comes to greeting and responding to greetings.